JB

If you've never had a close friend die, it's a strange thing. You really don't know how deeply it can affect you. Often times it springs up out of nowhere, and memories of that person and old emotions come flooding back into your memory, even a year or years after that person has passed. It's like in the blink of an eye, somehow in your subconscious, you feel like you've just talked to that person or had an interaction with them, and it's weird. Weird, but comforting.

It's been ten and a half months since a good friend of mine, JB, passed away unexpectedly. Now, when I say good friend, I mean we had a special place for each other in our hearts that no one else could fill. He was the epitome of  what a friend is supposed to be. He was selfless, thoughtful, playful, vibrant, insightful, intelligent, and the most sacrificial friend any person could ever know. When you talked, he listened. When you were sad, he was there with a hug and kind words. He then would follow up and ask how you were doing the next time he saw you. He remembered things about you that most other people would forget. He always had positive things to say about people. He made me feel like the most important person in his world.

The first month or so after his passing, I had a hard time understanding why. I cried a lot. He was all I thought of. I was frustrated with God because I couldn't see the reason he would take such a person with so much love to give out of this world so full of people pining to be loved. I just couldn't understand why. It wasn't long before the healing process set in and I was OK with things. Not a day goes by that I haven't thought of him in these last ten months, but as far as grieving, I has coped.

Yesterday afternoon, one of his sisters posted a picture of him with his sisters on either side, looking happy and standing there with the most natural and content smiles.

Last night I had a dream that brought him back to me so fiercely. I dreamt that they were walking toward me in the same position as in that picture, laughing and smiling. He then, with a huge smile, opened his arms and embraced me with the warmest, biggest hug ever. We laughed like old times and shared a peck or two (yes we kissed back in college), and just sat there, forehead to forehead, nose to nose, embracing and smiling at each other. Soaking it all in. All of a sudden, all the old feelings I had when I was around him came back: feelings of rest and lightheartedness and stress free.

It was so real. I feel like I just saw him. My body feels like I just came out of a huge hug. It's weird, but I'm comforted by these dreams (yes, THESE dreams. This isn't the first dream I've had since he's been gone) when he comes to visit me.  It makes me confident that he is happy and in a much better place and not in pain anymore.

I feel like God gives me these dreams as a way of letting me know that he's still alright. It's a way of seeing him again here in this world, even though he doesn't physically exist anymore. His memory makes me smile, and being reminded that I will see him again gives me hope. See you again someday, JB!

Things I've learned being a woman hanging out with men

- If you get mad at them, learn to get over it. If you and your friend Daniel have an awkward moment where you get mad at him for something and he walks away, the next time he comes back he'll act like nothing even happened. Act like that too. There's no value in holding grudges like with your girlfriends.

- If he trusts you, he will tell you things he's not comfortable telling anybody else, because he probably doesn't have another woman friend he can confide in like that. Cherish that.

- If you are attracted to a guy friend, suppress those feelings. It's so much better being friends with him than being weird about physical contact or little flirty moments.

- Don't be jealous. If he's friends with another female, trust him when he tells you how much he values your friendship. Just because he's talking to another gal pal of his doesn't demote you in his friend chain

In a Utopian Society...

Maybe I'm a dreamer. Maybe my heart puts these unrealistic visions of the world in my head and it blinds me to some of the things happening. Sometimes, I see these cause-and-affect changes that the world should go through in order for it to be a better place. 

My boyfriend and I had a conversation the other night about the importance of taking care of other people. I fully believe that if we as a human race cared more about the well-being of other instead of our own personal selfish gain of wealth and power, this world would be a million times better, a million times happier, a million times healthier (emotionally, spiritually, even physically). I guess in a way, I have a Marxist way of thinking: where everyone is happy to share with everyone and everyone takes care of everyone and no one tries to trample all over anybody to excel. Realistically, I know that will never happen in the whole entire world, because people are too selfish and evil to care about anyone else. But what would happen if we as individuals took it upon ourselves to be more aware of the need around us? That's all it takes to start a fire of love for other people. Instead of being obsessed over one's own agenda, to open one's eyes to the people you encounter everyday. How easy would it be to simply respond to someone's needs in a way that is attainable for you?

It's not herpes, but it sure flares up every now and then

I have a problem. It's more than a staring problem, but not as bad as an STD problem. It's an addiction. I can't stop it when it comes to me; it's just a ravenous craving that engulfs me every once in a while. I mean, I can suppress it for a while, but it calls to me, and tempts me... My addiction... is... Flamin' Hot Fritos!

I just polished off a bag of them and it's not even lunch time yet. I told myself I was only going to eat a few and save the rest for another time, but just looking at the bag, I got the taste in my mouth, the ravenous desire crept in, and as much as I tried to suppress it, the bag said "Go ahead, open me and try to resist." It's like something inside me says "YOU NEED THOSE NOW!"

Something about the taste of Flamin' Hot Fritos I cannot get enough of. It's like no matter how many of those delicious, fiery chips I put in my mouth at one time, it's not enough! I can't even walk past them on a shelf at a gas station without getting big eyes and contemplating whether I should take some with me or leave them, helpless and alone. The mixture of crunchiness and flavor are irresistible to me. I don't know what it is, but once I start eating them, I can't stop until I finish the whole thing. I mean, I put the bag down a couple of times, but it just kept calling me to it, until there were only a few chips left, so I finished the bag. I love those chips.

So here I sit, feeling ashamed with an empty bag of pure amazing-ness, satisfied taste buds, but kicking myself thinking about the calorie count. Why? Why? WHY!?

Stand for something, or you'll fall for anything.

I always hear people talk about how it's good to be open minded, how it's acceptable to accept things. But what about being strong in one certain thing you believe in? Why is it so terrible to be firm in what you believe, instead of believing everything you hear and read and jumping from one religion to another, simply because it's what you learned about that week? If we are free to be open minded, wouldn't that mean we were free to say "no" to things as well?

It seems to me there is a double standard. It seems that in the eyes of "society", being "open minded" means accepting every idea, and supporting everything that everyone asks you to support. I mean, if I am faced with a certain topic or belief, I am definitely going to give it a chance to see what it's all about, and then make the decision on whether or not I believe in it. I'm not going to dismiss something just because my initial reaction would be to disagree. How close minded would that be!? But what about things I DON'T agree with? Why, when I exercise my freedom and choose to say "no" to something, am I labelled anti-this or a stick in the mud, or close minded? Didn't I just do the same thing you did in a situation, except I chose the opposite reaction? If we as people are able to think freely, then we should be free to come to a decision, be able to reject it if that's how we feel about it. People are free to NOT support an idea just as much as others are free to speak out FOR that idea.

So why is it bad to know what you believe and choose not to stray from that? That doesn't make you a stick in the mud, it doesn't make you close minded. I mean, there are good things to be learned from every philosophy, but that doesn't mean you need to convert to whatever religion you learned from every time you hear a wise phrase or read an inspiring story.

I am a Christian. I believe that the only way to Salvation is through Jesus Christ, who came as a baby, sent by God, to teach the world how to live, and then later die for the sins of the whole entire world, so that all we would have to do to obtain Salvation is realize we need a savior and let him take control. I have found the truth, and it has been proven to me (by that same power) that Jesus is the only way to Heaven. I feel it's important to tell people that, because we have been instructed by God to tell others about his love. I ask myself a ton of questions on why I believe what I believe, and why I don't believe what I think is wrong. No matter what kind of religious conversation I have with anyone of my friends from any background, they always get a little irritated with me because, no matter what subject is discussed, I always stick with my "Jesus plug." I am firm in that belief, and get criticized for it. Does it mean I'm close minded? No. I like to hear what other people have to say about the universe, salvation, love, and whatever else. I feel there is a lot to learn from everywhere. When people share with me their beliefs, I may agree with them on some things, but not for the same reason. I may totally disagree with them on others, but there is always something to take away.

 I've seen "open minded" people jump from one set of beliefs to another because they heard something good. That's not open mindedness. That's fickle and inconsistent. It's ok to search for what you believe in and who you are, but don't let the world's opinions around you sway your own. Learn, but stand firm. Find something bigger than yourself and stick with it. Staying true to yourself AND being willing to listen and learn from others who are different than you will give you a peace of mind. It's ok to say "no" to something you don't agree with, in spite of everyone embracing it. Be observant. Always ask yourself questions.