JB

If you've never had a close friend die, it's a strange thing. You really don't know how deeply it can affect you. Often times it springs up out of nowhere, and memories of that person and old emotions come flooding back into your memory, even a year or years after that person has passed. It's like in the blink of an eye, somehow in your subconscious, you feel like you've just talked to that person or had an interaction with them, and it's weird. Weird, but comforting.

It's been ten and a half months since a good friend of mine, JB, passed away unexpectedly. Now, when I say good friend, I mean we had a special place for each other in our hearts that no one else could fill. He was the epitome of  what a friend is supposed to be. He was selfless, thoughtful, playful, vibrant, insightful, intelligent, and the most sacrificial friend any person could ever know. When you talked, he listened. When you were sad, he was there with a hug and kind words. He then would follow up and ask how you were doing the next time he saw you. He remembered things about you that most other people would forget. He always had positive things to say about people. He made me feel like the most important person in his world.

The first month or so after his passing, I had a hard time understanding why. I cried a lot. He was all I thought of. I was frustrated with God because I couldn't see the reason he would take such a person with so much love to give out of this world so full of people pining to be loved. I just couldn't understand why. It wasn't long before the healing process set in and I was OK with things. Not a day goes by that I haven't thought of him in these last ten months, but as far as grieving, I has coped.

Yesterday afternoon, one of his sisters posted a picture of him with his sisters on either side, looking happy and standing there with the most natural and content smiles.

Last night I had a dream that brought him back to me so fiercely. I dreamt that they were walking toward me in the same position as in that picture, laughing and smiling. He then, with a huge smile, opened his arms and embraced me with the warmest, biggest hug ever. We laughed like old times and shared a peck or two (yes we kissed back in college), and just sat there, forehead to forehead, nose to nose, embracing and smiling at each other. Soaking it all in. All of a sudden, all the old feelings I had when I was around him came back: feelings of rest and lightheartedness and stress free.

It was so real. I feel like I just saw him. My body feels like I just came out of a huge hug. It's weird, but I'm comforted by these dreams (yes, THESE dreams. This isn't the first dream I've had since he's been gone) when he comes to visit me.  It makes me confident that he is happy and in a much better place and not in pain anymore.

I feel like God gives me these dreams as a way of letting me know that he's still alright. It's a way of seeing him again here in this world, even though he doesn't physically exist anymore. His memory makes me smile, and being reminded that I will see him again gives me hope. See you again someday, JB!

Things I've learned being a woman hanging out with men

- If you get mad at them, learn to get over it. If you and your friend Daniel have an awkward moment where you get mad at him for something and he walks away, the next time he comes back he'll act like nothing even happened. Act like that too. There's no value in holding grudges like with your girlfriends.

- If he trusts you, he will tell you things he's not comfortable telling anybody else, because he probably doesn't have another woman friend he can confide in like that. Cherish that.

- If you are attracted to a guy friend, suppress those feelings. It's so much better being friends with him than being weird about physical contact or little flirty moments.

- Don't be jealous. If he's friends with another female, trust him when he tells you how much he values your friendship. Just because he's talking to another gal pal of his doesn't demote you in his friend chain

In a Utopian Society...

Maybe I'm a dreamer. Maybe my heart puts these unrealistic visions of the world in my head and it blinds me to some of the things happening. Sometimes, I see these cause-and-affect changes that the world should go through in order for it to be a better place. 

My boyfriend and I had a conversation the other night about the importance of taking care of other people. I fully believe that if we as a human race cared more about the well-being of other instead of our own personal selfish gain of wealth and power, this world would be a million times better, a million times happier, a million times healthier (emotionally, spiritually, even physically). I guess in a way, I have a Marxist way of thinking: where everyone is happy to share with everyone and everyone takes care of everyone and no one tries to trample all over anybody to excel. Realistically, I know that will never happen in the whole entire world, because people are too selfish and evil to care about anyone else. But what would happen if we as individuals took it upon ourselves to be more aware of the need around us? That's all it takes to start a fire of love for other people. Instead of being obsessed over one's own agenda, to open one's eyes to the people you encounter everyday. How easy would it be to simply respond to someone's needs in a way that is attainable for you?